Your lips are movin'

It's been such a rollercoaster of emotions this year; from REALLY good, to pretty bad...but overall, 2014 has been my year.

The year my dream came true and I get the chance to work with killer whales.

The year I moved back to my favorite city, Orlando.

The year I got to go to EVERY single home game for UCF football.

The year I realized that I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be.

The year I pushed myself and struggled through, only to find that I was my biggest obstacle.

The year I proved them all wrong.

The year I became truly happy with myself and my life; all I need is a roof over my head, a family who supports me, a dog that loves me unconditionally, and a job that I love.

The year I decided to overcome the mental blocks that have held me back for so long.

The year I understood that setbacks are temporary, and as long as you have the determination to overcome them, you WILL. Just be patient and strong.

The year I discovered more about myself than I have since college.


This year was a blessing, one that I have taken for granted for quite some time.
Now that I've come this far, it's time to branch out and not stay so focused on JUST my career...of course I'll keep working to excel, but I need to remember that there's a lot more that I'm missing out on my working myself too hard.
I need to remember to enjoy life outside of work, life outside of home...to get out there and take advantage of all the amazing places and experiences offered here. Get more involved in the community; and hopefully I'll have a place of my own; a home :)

With the holidays getting near, I'm reminded to give thanks for all of the blessings in my life :) It's my favorite time of year, with the joyous music, the beautiful decorations throughout the parks, the holiday spirit emanating through everyone's smiles :)
And with the end of the year approaching, I always love reflecting on how far I've come, what I've done, who I've met, places I've been...and getting ready for the brand new year ahead! A fresh start, a time to renew resolutions and commend yourself for the ones you finished last year...a clean slate :)

Today was a new day for me, and I made the most of it with making better choices and positive thoughts. Here's to an even better tomorrow <3

The Backslide...

For anyone who watches the show, New Girl, you've probably heard the term "backslide" used before.
It's a term used for when you revert back to bad habits/decisions/mistakes you've made in the past and are about to repeat them or already have...
This last week was my backslide: it was my birthday week, turning 25, a little nostalgic and feeling unfulfilled for a brief moment just thinking of my "quarter life crisis" haha that already caused me to be in a little bit of a funk, but cheating on workouts and food didn't make me feel much better about it, but it was easier at the time.

And after this weekend, I faced rejection again. And I'd like to think that it's not because of telling someone about who I used to be and what happened to me in high school, but it's hard not to think that when you tell someone about it that you thought you could trust. Now in left hearing the voice in my head again saying, "Nobody is going to want you because you'll always be broken."
And as much as i don't want to believe it, it's hard not to when that's the only thing you can think ofat changed :(

But it's all been an excuse for me the past two weeks, and I need to stop using it as a crutch...right now i need to focus on myself and stop focusing on what other people may think of me or how they make me feel.
I was doing better before letting this get to me, so I just need to get back to that state of mind again :)

Last UCF home game of the season is this Saturday so I need to focus on that and having fun and forgetting all of the negative :)

Here's to keeping your head up!

Things are Looking Up :)

Since the last couple posts, things have gotten a heck of a lot better! :)

Sometimes the universe delivers a big slap in the face to you and smacks you out of your funk...and that's just what I needed! It was the universe telling me that I'm NOT the person that I was in high school anymore, and I definitely needed that reminder :)

As far as physical well-being goes, I ended up doing a lot better in the 5-miler than I thought I would so I was REALLY excited about that! And I've still been eating a lot better too; could be hitting the gym more that I have been but I've also been working a lot more than I've wanted to lol

Anyway, I still love my jobs, and I got my first "big-girl job" promotion! From Associate Trainer to Trainer at SeaWorld :) I was so excited! Very unexpected, but a very pleasant surprise :)

My next big venture is to try and purchase my first home! I've been trying to save up, pay off my credit cards, look for real estate...I know I'm here in Orlando to stay, so I would love to finally have a place of my own and stop throwing money away on rent for apartments.


So here's my list of things I'm working towards:
-Losing 12 pounds (I've kept 3 off for good so far!)
-Building up my savings again to help with a down payment
-Working towards my first 10K race
-Remembering to take time for myself to unwind and refresh :)

 

Breakfast this morning: Special K Red Berry Waffles with Vanilla Yogurt and Raspberries, and an ice cold glass of milk!

Pinterest Win Day!

Today was my meal-prep day, and it was a great success! :)

Here are some of the recipes I tackled and the links to the pages I found them on:

I've made these home-made Clif bars before...but NEVER have they turned out so beautifully!!! :)

http://powerhungry.com/2008/06/homemade-cliff-bars-no-bake/


This was my first time trying this banana bread; can't wait to eat some this week! It smelled delicious as it was baking!!! :)

http://www.yammiesglutenfreedom.com/2013/02/secretly-healthy-banana-bread-with.html


I made some skinny pasta bake for later this week! It is eagerly awaiting me in the freezer ;)

http://www.taylormadebytaylorbee.com/2013/02/light-pasta-bake-with-chicken-sausage.html?m=1


And finally, some healthy fruit cobbler! I used frozen, mixed fruit, white cake mix, and sprite and it turned out SOOOOO yummy!!! :)

http://livingachangedlife.blogspot.com/2011/04/recipe-review-berry-cobbler.html

 

Also, for my sweet tooth cravings I melted some chocolate chips and put them into an ice cube tray and put a strawberry in each one!

I also got some buffalo chicken cooked up, some chipotle chicken, bacon, ground beef, and burgers for quick meals later this week. Also some pasta salad ready to go and BOOM!

Healthy meals ready to go for a healthy week ahead :)

Shake it out

Early morning run? Check!

Awesome breakfast?? Check!

Rewarding mysf my catching up on the new episode of Once Upon a Time...? CHECK!!! :)

Great day today...feeling pretty good :)

Feeling more like Missy than Melyssa...

Well there's been a lot happening...not in the good way, but that's okay.

It's been a bit of a struggle over the past few weeks. There's been a lot going in that has made me feel like the high-school version of myself...and that's not a good thing; in fact it's actually scary to me now.

I didn't like who I was in high school and looking back I still don't like who I was back then. Not so much in a physical sense, of course I had normal insecurities that pubescent girls experience in their adolescent years...but there was so much more than that. So much negativity filled my life back then, but I had my studies to focus on and help me forget about the rest of the world spinning around me; I had good grades to maintain and something to work for and keep my mind busy outside of classes. But recently, falling into that negativity and not having an outlet, like schoolwork, to help me cope has led me into a dark descent where I've given up; and that's only happened one other time in my life, when I was at the lowest of lows. It's scary to think I'm going down that same path again where I stop fighting for myself and give in to the negative forces that kept me held down for so long.

Like I said...there's been a lot happening recently that has made me feel more like high-school "Missy" rather than confident college "Melyssa" and I don't like where it's going and how it's making me feel. Numerous reminders of high school have brought flashbacks and memories that I have tried to stow away and forget about...but it has been an overwhelming flood of memories that have been drowning out my attempts at positivity. 

There have been split seconds where I've heard that voice in my head saying "You're not good enough" and "Who would want someone as broken as you are" and as hard as I've tried to shake those thoughts from my head, they are lingering in the back of my mind...and when I start to feel like they're reaffirmed by not getting the full time position I applied for, or getting stood up by a date for a second time, it makes me think that maybe he was right when he told me those things back in high school...it brings back all of the insecurities and self-doubt and flashbacks and it has been such a struggle to shake all of those thoughts out of my head. This has been one of the biggest setbacks I've had in quite some time, not only mental but physical as well, and I'm at the point where I've realized that I just gave up.

I haven't been trying to make myself happy, because I've just felt an overwhelming amount of self-hatred and defeat...even with how much I've done to prove the naysayers wrong, like working at SeaWorld and passing the Shamu swim test, I haven't been able to get out of this rut. I haven't truly been trying because of the self-loathing I've been feeling. I haven't wanted to try to change the way I was feeling because I was complacent with giving up on myself.

And now enough is enough. I've had to embrace what I can about my high school memories, allow myself be called "Missy" again so I don't just associate it with high school, stop trying to change people who I know won't change and accept that fact, and reevaluate how I've been living my life and where I'm going and what I'm doing to myself right now. 

This pity party has been cancelled because for so long I've been strong, I've been able to repress feelings and memories of being scared and feeling unworthy of things I deserve. I've needed to remind myself that I wasn't meant to get the full-time position this time around; I deserve so much better than settling; I need to stop trying to be somebody I'm not just so I can try to prove myself wrong; and even though I may be broken beyond repair, there's someone out there who will understand that and will hopefully be able to help me heal someday.

The past is not something that can be erased. It's part of who you are, and as much as I've tried to forget who I was in high school, by forgetting that part of me I didn't even recognize when I became that same person again after slowly slipping away from who I had become.

And I liked who I had become in college; I still felt intelligent, I grew confidence by challenging myself and succeeding in those challenges; and when I didn't succeed, I learned from those failures to help me grow. 

Enough is enough and I'm going to break free from this emptiness I've been feeling. I'm going to channel all of my emotional pain into physical discomfort by going to take out my anger/frustrations/sadness at the gym. "Destroy what destroys you." It's a quote I found a while back during a bit of a pitfall, but I need to follow it now more than ever. No more. No more wallowing, no more moping, no more destructive/unhealthy habits like eating my feelings and trying to drown my sorrows in a big bowl of ice cream!!!

By channeling my energy into a constructive outlet (like an intense workout or cranking out some pages of my paper!) I will relearn to cope with these hardships when they present themselves, and I will be ready to tackle any new challenges that present themselves.

For now, focusing on improving my physical state will help me better my mental state as well. 

I made a "Plan of Attack" for October to help me focus my energy and time into something productive!

It's time for a change, and it starts now! I remember now who I was, and who I want to be instead :)

In the wise words of Andy Grammer: "When you're questioning your worth, in the way that way all do...and your version of amnesia starts to seep on through; and you know that you're great, but you can't remember why...I will be there by your side, I will remind you" <3 

Work it out!

This week has been AWESOME! 

I've been keeping up with my race training plan for the U Can Finish 5-miler in October and I also have a 5k coming up on Sept 20th too so I want to have a good race time for that one too! :)

I also did a spin class on Wednesday too! I've been snacking a little more than I'd like to, but it's been much healthier snacks that in the past! :)

I took a page from Aubrey's book and got some rice cakes...now I'm addicted to topping them with Justin's brand hazelnut butter (WAY less suar then Nutella AND it has sustainably sourced palm oil!)

Tomorrow is an easy workout day and then Saturday is my long run! 

Gotta keep the momentum up, it's making me feel so much better about myself already! :) Getting back to the "me" I was last year!!!