It's been a bit of a struggle over the past few weeks. There's been a lot going in that has made me feel like the high-school version of myself...and that's not a good thing; in fact it's actually scary to me now.
I didn't like who I was in high school and looking back I still don't like who I was back then. Not so much in a physical sense, of course I had normal insecurities that pubescent girls experience in their adolescent years...but there was so much more than that. So much negativity filled my life back then, but I had my studies to focus on and help me forget about the rest of the world spinning around me; I had good grades to maintain and something to work for and keep my mind busy outside of classes. But recently, falling into that negativity and not having an outlet, like schoolwork, to help me cope has led me into a dark descent where I've given up; and that's only happened one other time in my life, when I was at the lowest of lows. It's scary to think I'm going down that same path again where I stop fighting for myself and give in to the negative forces that kept me held down for so long.
Like I said...there's been a lot happening recently that has made me feel more like high-school "Missy" rather than confident college "Melyssa" and I don't like where it's going and how it's making me feel. Numerous reminders of high school have brought flashbacks and memories that I have tried to stow away and forget about...but it has been an overwhelming flood of memories that have been drowning out my attempts at positivity.
There have been split seconds where I've heard that voice in my head saying "You're not good enough" and "Who would want someone as broken as you are" and as hard as I've tried to shake those thoughts from my head, they are lingering in the back of my mind...and when I start to feel like they're reaffirmed by not getting the full time position I applied for, or getting stood up by a date for a second time, it makes me think that maybe he was right when he told me those things back in high school...it brings back all of the insecurities and self-doubt and flashbacks and it has been such a struggle to shake all of those thoughts out of my head. This has been one of the biggest setbacks I've had in quite some time, not only mental but physical as well, and I'm at the point where I've realized that I just gave up.
I haven't been trying to make myself happy, because I've just felt an overwhelming amount of self-hatred and defeat...even with how much I've done to prove the naysayers wrong, like working at SeaWorld and passing the Shamu swim test, I haven't been able to get out of this rut. I haven't truly been trying because of the self-loathing I've been feeling. I haven't wanted to try to change the way I was feeling because I was complacent with giving up on myself.
And now enough is enough. I've had to embrace what I can about my high school memories, allow myself be called "Missy" again so I don't just associate it with high school, stop trying to change people who I know won't change and accept that fact, and reevaluate how I've been living my life and where I'm going and what I'm doing to myself right now.
This pity party has been cancelled because for so long I've been strong, I've been able to repress feelings and memories of being scared and feeling unworthy of things I deserve. I've needed to remind myself that I wasn't meant to get the full-time position this time around; I deserve so much better than settling; I need to stop trying to be somebody I'm not just so I can try to prove myself wrong; and even though I may be broken beyond repair, there's someone out there who will understand that and will hopefully be able to help me heal someday.
The past is not something that can be erased. It's part of who you are, and as much as I've tried to forget who I was in high school, by forgetting that part of me I didn't even recognize when I became that same person again after slowly slipping away from who I had become.
And I liked who I had become in college; I still felt intelligent, I grew confidence by challenging myself and succeeding in those challenges; and when I didn't succeed, I learned from those failures to help me grow.
Enough is enough and I'm going to break free from this emptiness I've been feeling. I'm going to channel all of my emotional pain into physical discomfort by going to take out my anger/frustrations/sadness at the gym. "Destroy what destroys you." It's a quote I found a while back during a bit of a pitfall, but I need to follow it now more than ever. No more. No more wallowing, no more moping, no more destructive/unhealthy habits like eating my feelings and trying to drown my sorrows in a big bowl of ice cream!!!
By channeling my energy into a constructive outlet (like an intense workout or cranking out some pages of my paper!) I will relearn to cope with these hardships when they present themselves, and I will be ready to tackle any new challenges that present themselves.
For now, focusing on improving my physical state will help me better my mental state as well.
I made a "Plan of Attack" for October to help me focus my energy and time into something productive!
It's time for a change, and it starts now! I remember now who I was, and who I want to be instead :)
In the wise words of Andy Grammer: "When you're questioning your worth, in the way that way all do...and your version of amnesia starts to seep on through; and you know that you're great, but you can't remember why...I will be there by your side, I will remind you" <3
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